“MAYBE PEOPLE WANT TO EAT TURKEY DINOSAURS VICARIOUSLY THROUGH ME”

 

ON THE BIRTH OF WELLNESS TED

 “Beyond using it as a platform to ridicule my significantly better half, it has morphed into an opportunity to satirise a scene that takes itself way too fucking seriously. Even more annoyingly, I think, it’s a scene that takes not being serious too seriously.  I’ll admit, I find all the gorgeously fit girls saying, “look at me, I like donuts just like you, and if you eat them too and love yourself – you can be just like me,” irresponsibly insincere.  My account is, I hope, a chance to remind people that they need to take a breath, re-evaluate certain posts and realise just how fucking ridiculous some of this stuff is.”

“Amy [Ted’s girlfriend] was fantastically supportive in the beginning and, as a #medianinfluencer herself, helped me to reach #microinfluencer levels in record time. People at work encourage it – being at Men’s Health, there is equal fascination and contempt for the whole #cleaneating movement.  My girlfriend’s boss, the Editor of Women’s Health, put me in the magazine. Any workout class I now go to, I am referred to as Wellness Ted. It’s all bloody stupid, really. My housemate (who made a brief appearance as Clean Eating Bob) isn’t too keen, mainly because he gets embarrassed having to take pictures of me in public, wearing activewear. I think the positive response, rather than people taking offence, shows that everyone is totally self-aware. Or maybe they just like the fake abs. Or want to eat the turkey dinosaurs vicariously through me.”

 “Personally, I think I’ve got it nailed. I meal prep for most of the week, but probably have a few caramel digestives watching TV every night. I walk to work and go to the gym or a class three or four times a week. On Friday I go out with friends and drink way too much beer, get a McDonalds and spend all day Saturday unable to eat much more than a bacon sandwich at about 1pm.

And then on Sunday, meal prep starts the whole cycle again. It may seesaw violently, but it’s my own version of #balance.  I’m never going to look like a cover model, but in my job I know the kind of dedication being in that shape really takes. And, in my opinion, I’d rather have another beer and second serving of macaroni cheese.”

“It’s a load of bollocks.  To me the # refers to the culture that has sprung up around the term – and it’s pretty fucking toxic. My girlfriend, much to my amusement, uses her profile as a plinth from which to talk extensively about her bowel movements: which foods upset her stomach and those that don’t. She’s talking about cutting out ingredients because it has a tangible effect on her quality of life, not because Gywneth Paltrow said ban sugar whilst also shoving a jade egg up your vagina. There are the right ways to talk about nutrition on social media and the wrong ways. The problem is that social media has #nofilter and you can be influenced all kinds of garbage if you’re not careful.”

“My flatmate Bob and I have got it nailed. It’s a bowl of chicken Goujons from Sainsbury’s (don’t go to Tescos, they’re not as good) and then a side pizza. It’s essentially just an extra pizza that we share, but a “side pizza” makes us sound far more well-to-do. It’s a classy household.”

 “A fucking #spon post, I hope. I’m so ready to be a sell out. A wellness gun for hire. Any brands reading this that want a six-pack-toting endorsement, you know where to find me!”