Last week, we took part in the prestigious annual porridge championships held by oat champions; Rude Health. It was both an esteemed honour and an almighty pain in my arse. Not because slaving away over a saucepan of porridge is arduous (I get to stand still and eat delicious food every five seconds – what could be better?) but because I was an idiot and left myself just 48 hours to invent, practice and perfect an award-winning recipe. Having just returned from the land of no carbs and no justice for sexual assault victims (America), the only culinary ideas I had to offer were inspired by my recent dietary experiences in Los Angeles. I’d spent two weeks immersed in a culture of bun-less burgers, almond milk, skinny matcha lattes, a Soulcycle ON EVERY RUDDY CORNER and salad bowls called ‘grateful’ (for real).
So, in order to restore a sense of balance in my shakras I thought it necessary to concoct the Porridge of a young child’s dreams. And by this, I mean loaded with butter, cream, sugar, caramel, toffee and er apples…for health, I guess. A practice round resulted in rave reviews from all my tasters (me) so I decided to go ahead with my risky recipe without bothering to test it a second time – because improvisation is key to every successful dish. Except, it would seem, in this case. Here are a few things I learnt from our cookery competition experience…
- Don’t use a £3.50 Tesco’s saucepan to make caramel. The sugar will not melt evenly and you will end up with tar-like gloop that will ruin said pan unless you poor it down the sink within 20 seconds.
- Don’t pour tar-like gloop caramel down the sink. It will clog it. The person/people who share the sink with you will not be happy.
- Do invest in a sink plunger
- When making apple ‘roses’, have at least four other apples on standby as you will fuck at least two of them up. Also follow the recipe and use apricot jam to stick apple slices together – not old marmalade.
- YOUR BOYFRIEND’S SHAVING BRUSH WILL NOT SUFFICE AS A PASTRY BRUSH. THE BRISTLES ARE NOT SECURE
- Make your caramel/toffee sauce on the morning of the competition; not the night before. You think you’re being super organised and efficient by making it ‘ahead’ and putting it in the fridge, but you’re not. In actual fact all you achieve by doing this is a delicious, but unnecessary, jar of fudge – that won’t come out of the container.
- Said fudge will not melt into lovely, silky caramel sauce once heated. It will curdle. Whipping vigorously will help a little. Covering it with caramelised nuts will provide a solution.
- The recipe calls for a ‘pinch’ of salt. Not a fistful.
- If in doubt, sieve some cinnamon over the whole dish and be done with it.
Despite overcoming all the above challenges with admirable courage, we sadly lost the title to Women’s Health’s ‘porridge with an egg in it’. Or whatever it was called. Not bitter, not bitter at all. We clearly fell victim to our tools; the hobs on the day were electric (I practiced on gas) and the surrounding cameras turned the pressure dial to a notch above comfortable. I also think our obligatory mid-cooking chat with the judges lasted suspiciously longer than any of the other teams’. Oh and the bowls provided were a bit shit. Still not at all bitter, btw. Anyway, take a crack at our fantastically extra porridge recipe and see if you can master it better than we could. I still blame the hobs.
STICKY TOFFEE PORRIDGE WITH APPLE & HAZELNUT RUBBLE
Toffee Sauce
125g brown sugar
25g butter
50ml double cream
1 tbsp Scotch Whisky (can be omitted)
Put the sugar into a heavy bottomed pan on a low heat, making sure the sugar covers the surface area of the pan evenly. Add the butter and cream and whisk until the sugar has dissolved and the mixture is a light golden colour. Turn the heat right down and add the whisky. Whisk again and heat for a further 2 minutes until a deep caramel colour is achieved. Store in a sterilised jar. NOT IN THE FRIDGE.
Compote
1 Bramley apple
1 Pink Lady/Cox apple
50g unsalted butter
1 tsp coconut sugar (or any sugar really)
1 tsp vanilla essence
1 tsp ginger powder
1 tsp cinnamon powder
50g raisins
50g whole walnuts
Make a small bowl out of silver foil and inside place all the ingredients, making sure the apples are well coated. You might want to put 1 tbsp of water into the bottom of the ‘bowl’ if it’s all very dry. Bake for 30 minutes at 180°c or until the apples are mushy. When they are ready, mush the apples and mix all the ingredients together well to form a chunky purée
Apple Roses
100g golden caster sugar
1 tsp vinegar
1 tbsp maple syrup
1 pack filo pastry
Juice 1 lemon
2 tbsp apricot jam
1 egg
Cut the apples in half lengthways (stalk to bottom) and then in half again the same way. Cut the apples into very thin slices – as thin as you can without breaking them. Place the slices in the lemon juice and a tsp water to soften them. Fold a sheet of the filo pastry in half (bottom to top) and then in half again until you have a 4-5cm strip of pastry. In a small bowl, combine the apricot jam with 2 tablespoons of water. Microwave for 30 seconds if it was refrigerated. Spread evenly over the strip of dough. Leaving a bit of dough below, arrange about 10 apple slices (pat them dry with a tea towel/kitchen paper) lengthwise in a straight line, overlapping slightly, on the strip of dough. Fold up the bottom part of the dough and begin tightly rolling the dough from right to left to form the rose shape. Press the edge to seal. Brush the outside of the filo pastry with egg wash (a beaten egg with a splash of water). Repeat for the rest of the apples. Bake in the oven at 180°c for 20 minutes, checking to make sure the pastry doesn’t burn. When the apples are done, melt the sugar in a pan with the maple syrup and vinegar. DO NOT STIR. Heat the mixture until a dark caramel colour is achieved and then drizzle over the apples. Leave to harden.
Hazelnut Rubble
1 tsp cinnamon
100g caster sugar
Smash the hazelnuts to break them up a bit. Toast either in a medium oven or on a medium-high heat on the hob until they reach a golden colour. Tip them onto a piece of greaseproof paper, making sure they are evenly spaced. In a pan, heat the sugar on a low heat. Do not be tempted to stir or move the pan much. When the sugar has all dissolved and a caramel colour is achieved, pour the sugar all over the hazelnuts evenly. When set and cold, break up the ‘rubble’ into little pieces.
Porridge
2 tsp cinnamon
Chop the dates into bitesized pieces then soak them in 1 cup of boiling water for 15-20 minutes. Add the oats and the oatmeal with a pinch of salt to a saucepan (you can toast the oats before to give a nutty flavour but it’s not essential). On a low heat, add the milks, dates and date-water and continue to stir the oats. Add 1 tsp of the toffee sauce and 2 tbsp of the apple compote. Keep cooking until the porridge is thickened but not cloggy. Add more water or milk to keep the consistency silky. When the porridge is almost done, add the cinnamon and stir through. Now assemble the bowl. Add a small spoonful of the porridge, followed by a spoonful of the compote, then another spoonful of porridge and so forth until you fill the bowl. Top with the nuts and apple roses. Drizzle with toffee sauce and a touch of warmed almond milk.
Omg these sound like the stuff of dreams 😍 defo making on my next sick day
How many does this recipe serve?